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I was browsing through my old files a while ago and saw this:

That’s the old design that I’ve always loved. I made it two years ago and it’s like one of the designs that received so much praise from different people. And yes of course, it’s orange – my favorite color. Hehe… Looking at it now I see the younger me who had much color, bubbles and spontaneity. The old me that most people know. And looking at it makes me see the difference of who I am now. There’s no point, actually, in contemplating what has already gone and I’m quite happy with how steep things have turned because there’s nothing superficial about this. You go on and on and at the end of the day you go to bed and look back and see real figures that shape life into a better form. It took quite a while to understand that. And it’s liberating.

It comes down to what you’re going to do after and how far your next step will be.

I feel alone.

This afternoon I almost lost strength and hope when a huge fire engulfed seven or so houses here in our neighborhood. Coming from a night at work, I was sleeping when it happened. When my brother woke me, everything was crazy and people were already running around. The situation sank in me when I saw through our window thick black smoke emerging that blocked the entire view of the sky. It was intense. Before the power went out, the lights flickered non-stop and then I heard my Kuya shout “Lumabas na kayo! Do not save anything anymore!” That’s when I realized how close it was.

The volunteer firefighters directed by Kuya TJ’s friend were a big help together with the combined efforts of our cousins and neighbors to protect our house. With them bravely trying to put out the fire upstairs, I was able to sneak back inside the house and grab as much as I could save.

Right now I feel stressed and traumatized by the experience. I feel unsafe and afraid to fall asleep cos I can’t stop worrying how it could happen again when I thought everything was okay. I’m alone here in this room thankful that we were saved and that power went back quickly. But I feel lost and tired. Scared. Alone. The moment it all subsided I was lying in the dark thinking what this day meant and what to be realized aside from the obvious. Have I been bad? I was thinking how I could’ve been homeless and during the time that I needed help to carry things around, no one else came to my aid but my family. I thank Jack, Bhu & Kaye who kept my hopes up through text continously when I almost thought it would all spiral down. Bryan was right that I should learn to stand by my own feet and not depend on anybody – I have to be responsible for myself. Ate Tin was right that family is family and I should hold it in my heart. I promise to keep those things in mind now.

Maybe I was just overwhelmed by how Kuya TJ’s barkada was there helping the firefighters upstairs and carrying our things to safety even when he did not even call them for help – they just came and they helped. Like they’re family.

Last weekend I traveled some 250 kilometers north of Manila to visit Potipot Island in Zambales. It was a short notice because we only decided to go there last Thursday and it’s one of the few proofs that spontaneity really makes it more fun. I’ve never heard of the island but when I got there, people told me that it was quite famous. It was once a taping location for TV shows like Darna and Starstruck – and that’s when I remembered. The day was fun and I totally enjoyed it – you can see it in my skin that I really did. Hehe… I’ll tell more stories later and upload more pictures in my Multiply.

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This blog thing is starting to lose momentum, going down to weekly check-in only instead of the usual more frequent updates. Lots of things to do…

Anyway, I know I’ve been busy and all that stuff but I feel like I’m not going anywhere. I seriously need to direct myself into something or else I’ll spend another year exhausting myself but see less or no progress (and with that I’m referring to all aspects of my life). It’s like all this time I’ve been doing lots of things but I don’t see myself as much of a grown man as that much work would’ve supposedly turned me into, you know what I mean?

I need change. More change. This can’t go on like this anymore and I’m tired of the ubiquity.

At this very time last year my grief started. At around this time last year, Mommy succumbed to her battle with cancer. It was the day that changed my life and the way I look towards the future.

When I was little I always dreamed beautiful things about this chapter in life where I presently am: me working hard for the sweet little requests of my parents and making them proud each day. I remember I promised them that someday I’d be working and be giving them what they wanted and all they’d have to do was to relax. In my mind I can still hear her talking to her friends about the dreams she had for me. Back then, it used to make me feel good about myself because I got a mother who believed and was certain that I would make it one day. Now, thinking about it makes me cry because all those beautiful little-boy dreams will never come true anymore. She’s no longer here. I may make it one day but it will never be complete without her.

When Mommy left, I felt a mixed feeling of peace and sorrow. I was at peace that her suffering had ended. She was a survivor – I always told her that. She fought cancer for two years which was quite extraordinary for someone who’d been diagnosed to be in stage four. During those years, I might not have been the ideal eldest son as she expected. I’d been bad. I did not realize how short our remaining time together was cos I believed she’d never leave me – that she’d always be there like always. Like always. But, reality bit me so hard and I woke up too late. I was not able to show her how much I loved her the way she expected me to and that’s the biggest regret that I will always bear in the many years to come. The only relief I have now is that I know she still hears me and she knows how much I love her. How much I miss her. And how sorry I am for not being there when she needed me and when she wanted me to be there. I am very sorry Mommy. You know how much I love you. I will never hear you say how proud you are of me when I make it one day. I will never see that smile again that has always validated the hardwork that I do like nothing else can. I will never again feel safe beside you when it seems like everybody else has left me. Now, it’s just me and my faith that somewhere, you still watch and listen.

I was weak because I knew I needed not to be strong for I knew she would always be strong for me and for all of us. That was the biggest misconception and because of that I’m still picking up scattered pieces of myself until now. Although I knew where to start a new life without her, I did not exactly know how. And it was hard. Very hard.

Mommy if you could only see, I know you’d be proud. I’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot and it’s sad that I cannot see how you react to these so many changes. We’ve all changed. I grew up and I changed my outlook in life. I’ve become a different person since that day when I kissed you in the forehead for the last time. I will never forget that day but somehow I’m glad I was able to say goodbye. Mommy, I really miss you and even though I went out, partied and smiled, I never did forget. I really wish you can see me now Mommy cos I’m starting to become that eldest son that you once expected me to be. But… I know you don’t want me to take this pain with me all the time. If you see me letting go of it, it doesn’t mean I’m starting to forget. I will always remember. Each day I will. Thank you for your strength and for you love. I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: it was a life worthily lived. If only you heard them all saying only thank yous when you left. I did not hear anybody question why you left. They were all saying thanks for all your good work and that made me even more proud, though very very sad at the same time. Mommy, I miss you. I will always remember!

I remember last year at this time, I tried to run away for I did not want to see her inside the casket. I was about to start a day at work when they called and said that I needed to come back home – which I knew immediately why. I wanted to disappear and just wake up from the bad dream but I could not escape it anymore. Haaaay. The hardship. Days before it happened I had made myself ready but I did not know what to expect so it was like fuzzy still. At this very moment last year, we were all downstairs waiting for her. The worst waiting I’d ever done and wished had not ended.

once there was the sun
bright and warm and wonderful
shining like the love within my heart.
now there’s no more sun
winter has killed everything
and although it’s dark
forever, i’ll remember sun…

OMG! OMG! OMG! I can’t believe it. This will be the first time that I will share a YouTube video here because this one’s really, and I mean REALLY, interesting. Not quite a good rendition musically but the video was certainly very cool. Here’s Alanis Morrisette’s rendition of “My Humps” by Black Eyed Peas. Yes, you read that one right. You don’t believe it? Watch.

You may want to stop that music on the side bar from playing first before seeing the video. Heehee

I am not a saint. And most of all I don’t pretend like I am.

It takes courage to stand up for something not really right but definitely not wrong, and it takes more to do so without blowing your head off and going overboard. If doing something somebody thought was right would compromise your comfort in an intolerable way (which they call “sacrifice”) then why couldn’t you turn that down? If such cases come up to you and somebody says it’s the right thing to do although you don’t feel that good about it, will it be rude or say, “unholy”, to not comply?
I went into an overstressed argument this evening and there are several points that I want to raise:

I am not perfect and I never EVER looked down on anybody. Sadly, but as a matter of fact, you don’t know me that well to feel confident and accuse me of such thing. I never denied them before of such request but you cannot deny that the issue I was raising today was quite obvious and with me stating that fact did not mean that I was referring to their status in life. It’s as simple as it is but you took it differently. If you could bear with it and I couldn’t, does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. Had it been that one of us was smart enough to have come up with a better way to tell them my concern and have it worked out, there wouldn’t be a problem. And for your information, if I were acting like what you were accusing me of then I would have moved out and lived somewhere else a long time ago. But you see, I never considered myself any different and it’s okay. Who am I to feel like I’m better than anyone when I’m still young and struggling? What they are in life was never a problem to me and I understand your point about it but the thing is, I was NOT referring to that and I never will. You took what I said out of context that’s why it spiralled down. It hurt me that you did not care to talk to me first before you spoke. And you said very nasty things.

You don’t know what you’re saying. I am thankful that I am earning and I don’t need to show you and have my picture taken while helping others just to prove you wrong. It’s your choice and you’re entitled to it. And like I said, I don’t care. I know myself too much to be bothered and people who know better than you think otherwise anyway.